Watching Dr.Baruch's lesson in Mathew 26 part 4. I think I noticed some spiritual issue I have with...
Watching
Dr.Baruch's lesson in Mathew 26 part 4. I think I noticed some spiritual issue I have with "doing" verses submitting. Listening to the lesson, I'm like, "yep, that's me". Very different day to day on watching and waiting and a lot like disciples not watching and waiting. Then I go immediately into an anxious sense of having to do. Then I catch myself and think "I can't do that." I know the problem, but over and over, I can't change it. Then I kind of hand it over to God, but quickly wonder if that's what I'm doing or just giving up so to speak. This is the kind of dynamic underneath a lot of my issues. Somehow needing to feel you're always ready, but immediately being drawn into anxiety over it that results in the need to do but in an almost spiritually distracting way. How do you know when you're submitting verses when you're just deluding yourself and giving up? There's a polar opposite way of looking at "I can't do this, You're going to have to." And often before I'm able to fully process my own heart in the matter, I'm confused in terms of is this me submitting to God or me just being apathetic and giving up? For example, I struggle with mood. The best I can often do when struggling with my mood is just not say what I'm thinking, but that leaves me feeling shut down and disconnected from people around me. I know it's about bringing the flesh into submission of the Spirit, but we connect with people through emotions. I feel like I have to become almost robotic sometimes not to give into my mood. Anyway, I know He's going to have to help me with that. I can't overcome this issue on my own, as it feels like I'm somehow getting hung up in what I have to do or should do to the point it stifles me. It's the knowing what you should do issue, but not doing it. My issue is knowing what I should do, and outwardly managing it but inwardly or spiritually stifled because I'm honestly annoyed by what seems really petty to me at that time. Hard to explain, but I think this is getting into what's behind some of the works based approaches to spirituality we've discussed in here. How do you know when you are submitting in sincerity verses just giving up in a very dismissive or hopeless way? Things can feel really out of control - there's something spiritually different though in trusting Gods in control to help you and just deciding you're too helpless to make a difference so He has to do it. There's some distinction in there about trusting God and almost giving up on Him.!I find myself doubting my heart when I'm trying to submit a lot. There's some line about giving up on yourself is giving up on God because He does want to use us to make a difference in the world around us. It's weird to know how to submit to Him that way, and that's where my issue with doing presents an obstacle for me. I think needing to do relates to an issue with waiting maybe. Maybe works are about lacking faith in terms of not knowing how to wait in faith. All sorts of verses come into my mind about doing, "being about your Father's business" for example. How do you know that's not coming from a place of anxiety though? You see how works can reflect faith or a lack of faith. That's the underlying issue I think. With Him we will just do well, but of our own, we just do to manage our own anxiety or something. I think it's about control, and I think that's a dynamic I'm trying to figure out with this question. We are expected to do our Fathers business but we can't make Him do a thing - it's really a scary issue I'm discussing because it's getting at sometging idolatrous in our hearts if we don't really know how to submit things to Him in the right heart. It's causing me anxiety so I know I'm having spiritual problems because of this.